


It's Going to Be Okay

by ellisly



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Comforting, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Forehead Kisses, M/M, Soft Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:21:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27004252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellisly/pseuds/ellisly
Summary: Simon has a panic attack and finds himself resorting to calling Baz home. Fluff and comforting ensues.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch & Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 5
Kudos: 88





	It's Going to Be Okay

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was very personal for me, so I hope you enjoy!

I’m in the bathroom, sitting on the cold, tiled floor next to the toilet. It’s so bright in here, everything artificially cast in blinding white light. I wish it was darker but I don’t want to turn off the lights- it’d probably just make things worse.

I’m trying to even out my breathing but nothing is working. My chest aches, right in the middle, burning and tight. _In and out, Simon_ , I tell myself, _in and out_. There must be some disconnect between my brain and stupid lungs because it’s not working.

My breaths are short and sharp and painful and I can’t make it stop, why can’t I make it stop? Hot, wet tears are streaming down my cheeks, falling onto my clenched hands, and all I feel is an overwhelming sense of dread, of worry and fear.

I know what this is- it’s a panic attack. Another stupid fucking meltdown for no apparent reason. I hadn't even been doing anything; I’d woken up feeling the beginnings of the familiar tightness in my chest, so I took a long hot shower in hopes of easing it away. It had worked for a while, I suppose, but in the middle of washing breakfast dishes, it all came slamming back into me, a surprise wave of panic washing over me, drowning me. I barely made it to the bathroom before I collapsed to the ground, resting my head between my legs, desperate for some relief.

Knowing I’m having an attack isn’t resolving the issue. Knowing that my fears are irrational, that there’s no real reason to panic isn’t easing the pain in my chest or helping me breathe properly. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to make it stop.

No one’s here; Penny spent the weekend at Shep’s and Baz is at the library. I’m all alone, no one can help me.

I don’t know what to do but I feel like I’m dying, like the pain in my chest is going to swallow me whole or that I’m going to run out of air. I feel around in my pockets for my phone, grabbing for it desperately. Now’s the time for a last resort, I suppose.

It only takes two rings before the line gets picked up.

“Yes, Snow?”

“Baz,” I gasp, trying to hide the waver in my voice with no luck. “I need you to come home, please I need you to come home.”

The change in his voice is immediate. In a hushed, urgent tone, I hear him say “Stay right there Simon, I’ll be home as soon as I can.”

…

I don't know how long it takes Baz to get back to our flat. I’m trying my hardest to focus on my breathing but my mind keeps wandering, filling with worries and intrusive thoughts.

I shouldn’t have called Baz. He was just trying to get some studying done and now he has to drop everything just to come back here, to take care of me. It’s so stupid, there’s no reason for me to be freaking out. It’s not fair to Baz, he shouldn’t have to look after me like I’m some kind of child. Why am I like this? Why can’t I just be normal? Why-

My downward spiral of thoughts is interrupted by the sound of the front door bursting open. I hear a shout, “Simon?” and the loud slam of the door closing.

“Simon!” Baz shouts again, closer this time.

I managed a weak “Baz!” but my voice is wobbling and I still can’t breathe right.

Baz rushes into the bathroom, hair half up in a bun, the rest, having slipped out, now falling into his eyes. His coat looks as if it’s been haphazardly thrown on and his face is screwed up in worry. His eyebrows are drawn together and his lips are pressed tight, a look I rarely see on his face. Even now, I have to admit, he looks beautiful.

He kneels down next to me, gently reaching a hand towards my face. “Simon, Love, what’s the matter.”

“I don’t know Baz, I don’t know.” I cry, falling into his arms, burying my face in his chest.

I’ve fully lost it now, breaking down completely. Sobs wrack through me, my whole body heaving as Baz wraps his arms around me, holding me impossibly tight to his chest. I grasp the back of his coat tightly in my fists, one of his hands holding the back of my head while the other rubs soft circles into my lower back.

“Hey, it’s alright now, Simon,” He whispers into my curls. “I’m here, I’ve got you. You’re going to be alright, Love.”

…

After a considerable amount of time spent crying into Baz’s expensive, silk shirt, he gets me calm enough to to stand up. He walks me into our bedroom and sits me on the bed. I feel helpless as he helps me change into a pair of soft trackies and my favorite jumper of his. Occasionally, a warm tear trickles down my face and Baz softly wipes it away with a gentle swipe of his thumb. He presses a kiss to my forehead, giving me a small, quiet smile, before helping me under the covers.

I feel numb all over, hollow, like all my emotions were drained right out of me. My eyes burn a little bit from all the crying and my chest still aches some even though I’m breathing normally again.

“Mind if I join you?” Baz asks softly, not a trace of his usual sardonic tone anywhere in his voice. It took me a while to get used to Baz being soft with me when we first started dating; I was so used to bitter insults and heated fights that when it simmered down to slow, deep kisses and feather-light touches I was left a little awe-struck.

“Yeah,” I reply, my voice a little hoarse, lifting up the blanket for him.

Baz must’ve changed while a I was getting situated because when he slides in next to me, he’s wearing one of my baggy Watford shirts and silk pajama bottoms. Crowley, this boy and his unnecessarily luxurious clothes.

I watch as Baz reaches for my hand, slipping his fingers in mine and grasping them tight. I get enough courage to look up at him and see him propped up on his elbow, head resting in his palm, looking down at me. I nearly look away- I’m thoroughly embarrassed by this whole ordeal and I feel entirely guilty about making Baz come home.

“Feeling any better?” he asks, rubbing his thumb softly against mine.

“A bit, just feel tired now.”

I can tell Baz is trying his best not to push me but I can tell from the worried look behind his eyes that he wants to ask me more questions.

“You can ask, I know you want to.” I say quietly.

The corner of his mouth quirks up a bit, forming a small smile. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I sigh and move a little closer to him. Baz takes the hint and lays fully on his side, eye to eye with me now.

“I don’t know what happened,” I start, feeling a little swell of emotion as my eyes begin to water again. “I woke up feeling tight and then as the day went on it just got worse. I don’t know what triggered the attack but I...I-” my voice starts to quiver again and Baz shushes me gently.

“It’s okay, Simon. Panic attacks just happen sometimes but I’m here now and you’re safe, I promise” He looks so earnest, so concerned. He gives my hand a squeeze.

I take a deep breath, ignoring the shudders it causes my body, and angrily wipe away the tears that have escaped. “I hate this, Baz. I hate waking up feeling helpless everyday. I hate that I can’t stop crying, I hate that I have to call you to come save me from my own stupid emotions-”

“Hey,” he says sternly, releasing my hand to grab my shoulder tightly. “Don’t think for a second that I’d rather be anywhere than here with you. I know you hate it but sometimes you do need help. We both do and I know you’d be by my side in an instant if I called you.”

He’s staring at me with those beautiful, intense stormy eyes, his brows furrowed in a look of frustration and worry. It’s quite a lot and if the situation weren’t so emotional and raw, I’d likely be all over him.

“You’ve been through so much, Simon, and you don’t have to deal with it by yourself. Take it from someone who's tried it, it doesn’t work.” He gives me a tight, encouraging smile. “Things will get better, I promise. Talk to your therapist or me or Penny or whoever, but don’t try to keep it to yourself. You’re going to be okay, alright?"

I love him. Crowley, I love him so much. To think I spent years convinced this soft, unbelievably kind vampire was a villain for all those years (who am I trying to fool, I never really thought that).

I give him a real, albeit small, smile and reach forward, bringing his head within kissing distance of mine. I tuck a strand of his long, dark, raven-colored hair behind his ear and press my lips to his, softly. It’s so good, so perfect, that for a few seconds, the residual pain in my chest disappears.

When we break apart, Baz slowly opens his eyes and once again gives me a reassuring smile.

“I know right now that things are kind of sucky but I promise I’m going to talk with my therapist on Monday and maybe see about some um, medication.” I exhale, a little worried for his reaction.

Baz doesn’t bat an eye. “I think that could be a good thing to look into, Love. Whatever you feel comfortable with.”

He presses another sweet kiss to my lips, and slowly, but surely, I start to feel a little bit better.

“Hey, Baz?”

“Yes, Simon?”

I look him in the eyes and grab his hand tightly again. “Thank you for being here for me.”

Hidden in my words are a million unspoken I love you's, thousands of indescribable feelings of overwhelming gratitude for his presence in my life.

“Of course, I’ll always be here for you, you numpty,” he laughs, lightly. “Remember, we may be a mess but it's because we match.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Snow. Now catch some rest, alright?”

He lifts an arm and I slide into place, my back against his chest, his arms around my waist and against my chest, my hands holding them there. Things may not be easy or even happy right now, but as Baz kisses the back of my neck and I feel the beginnings of sleep, I find myself wishing to be nowhere but here, in the arms of the man I love and sure that everything will be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! So, recently I moved away from home for the first time to start college and I've really been struggling, I suffer from anxiety and usually every morning I wake up with an attack. Talking to my therapist and people I love has helped me understand that things will get better and that no matter what, there's always someone there for me so I don't have to go through this alone. I've always felt connected to Simon post Carry On and I felt writing about him overcoming his anxiety and realizing he doesn't have to go through his struggles alone would help me feel better myself. I really love this fic and I hope you did too. Just remember, you're not alone and your feelings are valid. Love you guys <3


End file.
